Dear Amy: I’ve been with my resident boyfriend, “Gene,” for over three years.
He has two children, and I have three.
The issue I struggle with is that he recently found out he has a 5 year old child.
When we met, he told me he had already determined that the child was not his, by having his mother take a DNA test, which showed that this baby had no DNA connection to his family.
Well, surprise … the child is his.
Now I feel betrayed and cheated.
I would not have been with him if I had known about this third child (by three different women).
I am in love with him, and the best way I can describe this emotion is to say that to me it is tantamount to being cheated on.
He does not understand why I have such strong feelings about this situation.
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He said I was supposed to support him.
I’m not sure how I can do that if I feel second-rate to three women who have his children, and yet I do not have a child with him. He told me he has no desire for marriage.
So I’m supposed to be his girlfriend for the rest of my life, while these women have a solidified place in his life and a greater connection with him than I’m going to have?
I do not want to end things with him, but how can I help these feelings I have and find a way to accept them and move on? – So many feelings
Dear So many feelings: I urge you to reconsider your choices, and do so for the time being only from the point of view of what will benefit you and your children.
In the short term, your reaction to this situation is to want what these other women have: A baby with “Gene.”
From my perspective, if you did have a baby with him, you would be joining a rather crowded club of several women giving birth to Gene’s babies.
I hope you double down on birth control because this man is extremely fertile and also someone who needs to be dragged into fatherhood.
He either lied straight to you when you first met, or is too vague to understand that DNA does not lie.
Furthermore, he responds to your shock about this third child by insisting that your role is to support him.
Well, his role is to support you too (and, by the way, all his kids).
People are somewhat predictable. Genes have established a pattern of total selfishness.
Good friends grab hands and ride life’s roller coaster ride together. If you do not feel that the two of you are capable of doing this, you should carefully reconsider staying with him for the long term.
You say you want to stay with him. If you do stay, you have to accept that you may be riding this rollercoaster alone.
Send an email to Amy Dickinson at firstname.lastname@example.org or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.