Disney Women at the Fertility Clinic

Nine women sit quietly in the waiting room. Sailing rock plays in the background. A bespectacled Colombian teenager begins tapping her foot anxiously—yet rhythmically.

MIRABEL: Listen, I don’t mean to be curious, but is anyone else here freezing her eggs? My abuela keeps pushing me, even though I told her about it multiple cause I’m only fifteen. I only look middle aged.

ELSA: My eggs are already frozen. That’s the problem.

BELL: Really? Inside your body?

ELSA: Only when I get nervous. But man, once the speculum is in, it’s like—boom!—Ice Capades.

SNOW WHITE: My OB thinks my eggs may have been affected during my year long death sleep.

AURORA: I slept too! Was yours a cursed spindle?

SNOW WHITE: Poisoned apple. did you die

AURORA: I do not think so. But spells can wreak havoc on your womb, according to my fairy godmothers.

ASSOCIATION: I heard that too! I have so many fibroids it’s insane. However, my fairy godmother was the one who enchanted me. And honestly, riding in a pumpkin carriage wasn’t worth three laps IVF.

TIANA: Sorry to interrupt, but are you going to the Disney Clinic? Because I don’t think Doc McStuffins practices with a license. That child cannot find a vein to save her own life.

ASSOCIATION: Actually I saw that mouse doctor from The rescuers Down Under. The pelvic exam was…very strange.

ARIEL: Ugh, the Disney clinic is rubbish. It’s like, sorry, have you never seen a human woman lay a thousand fish eggs? Amateur hour.

TIANA: We need to talk. My husband used to be a frog.

BELL: Did it affect his sperm? My partner was a large mammal, kind of a yak vibe. Anyway, now that he’s human again, we can’t get pregnant.

TIANA: Oh, my husband’s sperm is good. It’s that he’s used to external fertilization, and I’m like, honey, no matter how many times you try, it’s not going to work. We don’t make a cherry here; we fill a beignet, you know?

MIRABEL: You guys don’t exactly make me want to start dating, lol.

ARIEL: Don’t listen to them, there are still biologically human men out there. Not many, but some. You should check out Pixar.

ELSA: And you don’t need a man to have a baby. Although my architect says I’ll need central heating to keep it alive.

RAPUNZEL: Sorry, I was on mute on a Zoom call. My husband is fully human, but he was technically dead for five minutes before my magical tears brought him back to life. Now he has erectile dysfunction.

SNOW WHITE: I kissed awake. Have you been dead for a year and then woke up with someone’s tongue in your mouth? This is deeply disturbing.

AURORA: Amen to that, sister.

ARIEL: But you married him.

SNOW WHITE: I mean, my choices were slim. Most of my friends were animals.

ASSOCIATION: Same girl, same.

TIANA: Nothing wrong with animals, as long as they regain their human form when the clothes come off.

BELL: Thanks for saying that.

ARIEL: My doctor says we can have more babies, but it will have to be a c-section because I can get pregnant up to a few hundred. Additionally, there is really no research on the impact of scales on the birth canal. Still fingers crossed!

ELSA: Will you keep a tank in the nursery? It can be cute…

ARIEL: I’m trying not to get ahead of myself, but I’ve been looking into above ground pools.

SNOW WHITE: It’s all so exciting. If we get pregnant, my prince says he’ll build a glass cradle in honor of the coffin he found me in.

MIRABEL: It’s dark. But cool. Very gothic.

BELL: Listen, I’ll just be happy if the manger doesn’t sprout arms and start speaking in a French accent.

TIANA: Maybe we should start a mommy group after this is all over. You know, playdates, day drinking…

ASSOCIATION: I love that idea! My stepmom is a real See You Next Tuesday, and my friends are all mice and birds, so I could use some girls.

SNOW WHITE: Evil stepmothers are the worst. Like, who am I kidding? She is going to 100 percent try to curse this baby.

AURORA: My fairy godmothers can weaken curses placed on babies when it comes down to it. I will give you their emails.

ARIEL: Sigh. It is very. I wish my real mother was still alive.

BELL: Me too.


ELSA: Me too.


Silence descends.

RAPUNZEL: So what’s everyone’s stance on vaccines?

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