Dear Amy: I’ve been with my resident boyfriend, “Gene,” for over three years.
He has two children, and I have three.
The issue I struggle with is that he recently found out he has a 5 year old child.
When we met, he told me he had already determined that the child was not his, by having his mother take a DNA test, which showed that this baby had no DNA connection to his family.
Well, surprise… the child IS his.
Now I feel betrayed and cheated.
I would not have been with him if I had known about this third child (by three different women).
I am in love with him, and the best way I can describe this emotion is to say that to me it is tantamount to being cheated on.
He does not understand why I have such strong feelings about this situation.
He said I was supposed to support him.
I’m not sure how I can do that if I feel second-rate to three women who have his children, and yet I do not have a child with him. He told me he has no desire for marriage.
So I’m supposed to be his girlfriend for the rest of my life, while these women have a solidified place in his life and a greater connection with him than I’m going to have?
I do not want to end things with him, but how can I help these feelings I have and find a way to accept them and move on?
– So many feelings
Dear So many feelings: I urge you to reconsider your choices – and for the time being only to do so from the point of view of what will benefit you and your children.
In the short term, your reaction to this situation is to want what these other women have: A baby with “Gene.”
From my perspective, if you did have a baby with him, you would be joining a rather crowded club of several women giving birth to Gene’s babies.
I hope you double down on birth control because this man is extremely fertile and also someone who needs to be dragged into fatherhood.
He either lied straight to you when you first met, or is too vague to understand that DNA does not lie.
Furthermore, he responds to your shock about this third child by insisting that your role is to support him.
Well, his role is to support you too (and, by the way, all his kids).
People are somewhat predictable. Genes have established a pattern of total selfishness.
Good friends grab hands and ride life’s roller coaster ride together. If you do not feel that the two of you are capable of doing this, you should carefully reconsider staying with him for the long term.
You say you want to stay with him. If you do stay, you have to accept that you may be riding this rollercoaster alone.
Dear Amy: I’m a 64 year old man starting out again.
I’m very loving, but I do not want to scare the right person.
I might take an appointment’s hand as I walk down the street, is that right?
I read in your column about “love bombing”.
So how can I be my loving self and not be “accused” of “love bombing”?
I will NOT be deterred by someone (like me) who was too loving. It will be refreshingly welcomed!
Can I say something specific to them?
How do I share myself?
– KK
Dear KK: “Love bombing” describes a specific set of behaviors: showering a person with attention, gifts, and romantic gestures. People who do this often surprise and delight a potential partner at first – until it becomes an overwhelming attempt at control.
It’s a good thing to be your loving self, but generally you need to follow the clues of your appointment. A woman who wants to hold hands will lean closer and touch you. Maybe not “take” her hand, but let her offer it.
And yes – of course you can ask, “Can I hold your hand?”
Dear Amy: I have to admit, I read your reaction to “Destroyed Grandma” with tears in my eyes.
This grandparent showed intolerance and cruelty towards her grandson, who chose to wear a gown to his ball.
First you brought this grandmother to life, and then you really lowered the tree by actually instructing her on how to be compassionate with this young person.
Thank you!
– Large fan
Dear fan: Many readers contacted me with support for my answer.
More importantly, they expressed love and support for this grandson.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askmy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy of Facebook.)
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