Summary: Why would not you want to make life as battle-free as possible? While there will certainly be struggles, why not create a structure and routine that makes life easier?
It can be done! This is best achieved by creating a world where homework, some daily tasks and responsibilities are completed without the need for decision making and without the need for nagging or encouragement.
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In other words, it’s about automating daily routines! We want a system in place so you do not have to constantly juggle the idea of what’s next and how I’ll get it done. It’s exhausting! But let’s first look at what most of us do.
Thought and speech-filled Exhausting routines
Let’s talk about how not to do this. Consider the mental effort required when daily routines are not structured, and each activity requires a decision AND parenting input to make it happen. We think about when, we think about how, and then we imagine the idea and what happens? We get negotiation, pushback, ignorance, and so on. We then get irritated, perhaps state our position stronger, and now we are (often) after the exhausting arguments!
When you make day-to-day routines flexible, and decisions are made quickly, you can predict that day-to-day routines will be a struggle! It seems like an easy and natural thing to do. But it is not. When you make these routines flexible and changeable, and then you will inevitably have a struggle as time goes on. More and more energy will go into getting through these basic routines, and less energy into what really matters. Why is this the case?
Why systematized routines deliver success and convenience
1. Children thrive on structure.
Children thrive in an environment where there is predictability. In my studies, it is virtually impossible to find research that would suggest otherwise. Behavioral, academic, and emotional children thrive when there are consistent, clear routines that remain relatively unchanging.
2. Children thrive on predictability.
There is comfort and security in knowing when things are going to happen. While children involved in disorganized and chaotic family systems often rebel against the initial signs of structure and routine, they adapt quickly, and their behavior is better. With this adjustment also comes an emotional calm. Children will often report a feeling that life is easier after experiencing a shift to a consistent structure and routine.
3. Consistent routines remove decision making and thus save energy.
This is the real advantage of consistent structure and routine. Daily decision making about all routine stuff is removed. We then have more emotional and mental energy to apply to more important issues. How many of us actually have to make a decision to brush our teeth in the morning? Very little, I hope! And as such, it presents no emotional stress or challenge. This is not really a chore! We just do it. Seat belts are the same. To shower is also the same. The list goes on, of course.
In the early stages of some new routine, such as an exercise program, daily dedication often involves a decision and sometimes a struggle to make the decision. However, if you have been exercising regularly for a few months, there is no decision to be made. This is a given that you will practice. And the workout is typically in your calendar before you wake up. This makes life easier.
When successful in establishing the habits that bring success, the research will suggest that the
“decision” has already been made before the event. It eases a level of demand on our mental and emotional systems and ensures success. In essence, the events are “predetermined.” Develop a level of automatic action that eliminates the stress of a decision. I can not stress enough how important this is to your family. The data of recent years simply indicates that we are poorly equipped to make decisions after the decision. The more we set up a world where routines are maintained by a consistent pattern, the more it eliminates the need for conscious decision-making.
The result: reduced anxiety and stress and greater harmony. Systematize routines: Think, talk and reason less. By systematized routines, I am referring to a way of parenting that does not constantly think, talk, and negotiate about what children should do next. When a system is in place, children and parents fall into a structure and pattern that allows the basic responsibilities to be addressed without any discussion, argument, or waste of brain power. Instead, it takes place effortlessly.
The result: More time is available to discuss things that are of real importance to the family. Little time is put into managing those summer chores that you want them to do. In the fall, you do not have to argue about when or where the homework is done. A system based on HOW you run the house is key. Little time is spent getting the children to the table to eat or have discussions about food. Instead, meaningful discussion takes place about life events. Little time is spent arguing about choices, homework or bedtime routines, and greater opportunity is available to simply spend quality time with children.
When routines become consistent and predictable, there is relatively little discussion and dialogue that goes into completing these fundamental responsibilities that we all have.
must take care. As children learn to do this, their minds are free from the struggle with the daily “good” of everyday life. They do not end up wasting their lives struggling with the fact that they have to help with the yard work or do homework, even though they may not like doing it. They simply get it done. This is a formula for success. It’s a formula to make life easier. It’s a formula for staying healthy, emotionally strong and focused on what’s really important. You might be asking for some details on how we do this? If so, it will be covered next week
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